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Holidays are slowly creeping into my consciousness. I see Christmas decors and hear Yuletide songs everywhere I go.

Holiday decorations everywhere

Spending time with friends

As a single 31-year old woman, I can certainly relate to the sentiment and feeling of being left out. Most of my friends are all getting married, some have children. I do however value being single and making decisions on my own, without justifying anything to someone. Don't get me wrong, having a family is and can be great and I don't discount the idea of being married to someone I love. For now, that path seems to be out of my sight. I choose to see singlehood as a blessing, not a curse but who knows what happens tomorrow. Life is a mystery and full of cliches (i.e. see this post) and I just like to enjoy the ride.

“Age has no reality except in the physical world. The essence of a human being is resistant to the passage of time. Our inner lives are eternal, which is to say that our spirits remain as youthful and vigorous as when we were in full bloom. Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the alpha and omega. An end in itself.” ― Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez, Love in the Time of Cholera

Chuckie, the neighborhood dog is changing addresses. So I say goodbye to him with pictures to remember him by. I will surely miss playing with him in the afternoons.

that was exactly what i sounded like when i was trying to sing videoke in the wee hours, early morning last sunday…

the dinner at the office last saturday was not that “enjoyable”… it’s not that it wasn’t fun, i was just kind of out-of-sync… i’m not particularly comfortable with having too many people in one place… we were like more than 50 in there and all of us were introduced to our boss… and guess what was i described as?! you’ve got it… “the best butt speller”… very embarrassing, especially when i was asked to spell “danny” with my butt…

could you imagine if i did?! of course, i didn’t… i was not willing to succumb myself to another embarrassment as i have already established myself to be a klutz at the office… thankfully, my klutzy nature did not manifest that night… good thing there was also sha and hannah… and i also got to catch up with leo (tan)… i was also kind of embarrassed because when i entered the office, here comes leo announcing to the world “baw na-miss ta gid ka bah”… yeah really… it doesn’t really matter if only i heard it but i think the whole world got to hear every syllable…

don’t take it wrongly, i’m quite ok with leo missing me , although i don’t think he really meant what he said, it’s the fact that a lot of people heard it that makes my butt wiggle uncomfortably… could you spell “paranoia”? yeah… major paranoid… i felt like every person was then quietly looking when i wasn’t looking and wondering “why the heck is this person miss-able?”

blaaattt… i mostly stayed with sha and hannah when we were eating so that i can catch up on the “gossip”… wehehehe… i just missed sha but we couldn’t really “talk” because they were a lot of people around and our topic isn’t exactly “office-friendly”… not good for other people to hear, and anyways it’d be boring… but we had a short “program” and we were supposed to present something, maam jo told me to organize the night shift as mass haven’t arrived yet… of course, most of us were very unwilling to display their hidden talents… we were kind of joking about “presenting” charade or challenging the a.m. shift to a game… it’s kind of funny because every saturday, we get to play games as part of our team-building and most of the time, we’d play variations of charades… i think we’d pe professional actors in no time if we keep up with the trend…

i did mention that we “sang” With a Smile and (tried to) sing and danced my humps… i actually stood there in front and tried to hide… was just trying to mouth the words but just the same, i wasn’t exactly into singing videoke in front of a stranger… our boss then discussed some things…

it was already past 10pm when we finished, because we started late… sha waited to be picked up so we just went outside and waited there… i wasn’t really able to concentrate on work because i haven’t slept well and i was kind of tired… we were instructed to just do a “little” bit of work maybe until 2am but by 1am we were kind of being lax and maam and mass had already started singing in the videoke… i just kind of sat there and socialized with people (amy and i talked about books… very nerdy) and tried to sleep…

later on though, i joined the people who were singing at the videoke and sang a few songs… or should i say ‘tried” to sing a few songs… it was kind of fun… and my paranoia did kind of disappear… i didn’ really care if people heard me singing… i’m actually beginning to feel comfortable being with my officemates because they’re really just kind of like my classmates back in college…

it was kind of fun singing because you always get high scores even if you sing terribly, i also think that the better you sing, your score kinds of even gets lower and when you sing terribly, your score seems higher… anyways, that’s only my observation… wonder what songs i sang? well, uhmmm… i’m trying to remember… ok… huwag mo nang itanong, crush, especially for you, linger… wahahaha…

sir danny arrived (already in his badminton-playing ensemble) at the office at about 5:30 am and we were still singing our hearts out… we only stopped when it was already 7am and most of them went on to play badminton at sports complex…

sometimes, i want to go with them… not to play but just to observe and maybe run a few laps but i also think twice because if i do go with them, i might be compelled to play and that would be major problem because in my whole life, i think i only got to handle a badminton racket twice or thrice… then, i’d be forced to play and most likely, i’d really suck at it and i’d really embarrass myself again… maybe, if it was tennis, i could somehow find my way around it… really…

did i mention that john paul already went to england? it seems that just when he’s away, it’s the time that we kind of always “talk” to each other… he’s almost always online during the wee hours of the morning, so we get to catch up… i also “see” most of my friends during the night in ym so i get also to catch up on them… good for me… sometimes though, i ran out of things to say and well… it’s not good when you ran out of things to say… and i’m not the type to initiate the conversation, if people want to talk to me, i just wait for them to ym me… that way, i’d not disturb them (if they have work) and i’d know that they really want to talk… wehehehe… pol and i are playing pool…. and i don’t have the slighest idea how… wahaha…

errr… i still have to do other stuff… bye

 August 17, 2006 – 10:34 am

it hasn’t stop raining since i can’t remember… i used to like it when it rains coz it’s cold and i get to cuddle up and just laze around…

but too much lazing around is not good for me… especially for a person who lacks sleep.. i always have the excuse to sllep a little bit more and since it’s always raining, i dont get out of the house…

i even seldom see the sun nowadays, it’s either i’m asleep, eating or watching tv nowadays…
yikes… certainly not a very good lifestyle for one who is trying to live healthy…

our boss arrived friday afternoon, and popped in our office early morning (i think it was 3:00 am)… i didn’t even notice when he went in because i was kind of spaced out… he’s supposed to stay here for two weeks, but that is still tentative… maybe he’ll stay even longer…

we had dinner at the office, together with the people from the day shift, had a short program where we made a fool of ourselves trying to sing “with a smile” (and dance) “my humps”… the good thing is that i get to see sha, whom i havent seen for quite awhile now, we didn’t get to really talk though because there were a lot of people and we were all kind of scattered about… i’ve only noticed that the night shift really is a very rowdy bunch… we’re the one who’re really laughing out loud, joking and teasing each other… the day shift is more like subdued and kind of stuffy…

anyways, i did enjoy our little program… we’re supposed to work until 2:00 am, and then it’s off to some more partying… we had lots of food leftover and we also have here a videoke machine… maam says that we’re all supposed to sing a song… let’s just wait and see….

arggh.. i’m starting to feel sleepy now, i barely had three hours of sleep earlier and i’m kind of tired now

 August 13, 2006 – 10:47 am

last night was uneventfully eventful… just another lazy but quite fun evening…

we didn’t have internet connection for the whole night (and morning) last night… there was some technical problems with our ISP so we ended up spending the whole night sitting and talking and laughing… we did do a little bit of tidying up at the office though because our boss arrived this afternoon, and he’s supposed to come here tonight…

i actually think that time did go by a little faster last night, 9 hours seems so fast if you spend it talking and just lazing around…

we even had a game… ala charade… and as usual, our group didn’t win…. wehehehe… we actually never won a single game since we started playing… we didn’t exactly lose though, coz technically, it was a tie…

i hate the weather nowadays… it haven’t stopped raining… i’ve been thinking of having an alone time, just shopping around but i couldn’t go out of the house because of the rain… hopefully, the weather’s gonna be better by next week, coz i’ve already said to sha that we’d watch Click next week… i don’t think i’d be able to attend the funeral on sunday though… the weather’s bad, and my mother said that it’d be better if only she and my father would go tomorrow… my brother and i are supposed to go on sunday morning… my cousins are also not going i think, due also to the weather conditions…

August 11, 2006 – 11:28 am

another passage from gibran's the prophet‚¬ of all things - LOVE!!!

Then said Almitra, “Speak to us of Love.

    And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
    When love beckons to you follow him,
    Though his ways are hard and steep.
    And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
    Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
    And when he speaks to you believe in him,
    Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
    For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
    Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
    So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
    Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
    He threshes you to make you naked.
    He sifts you to free you from your husks.
    He grinds you to whiteness.
    He kneads you until you are pliant;
    And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.
    All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.
    But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
    Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,
    Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
    Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
    Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
    For love is sufficient unto love.
    When you love you should not say, “God is in my heart,” but rather, I am in the heart of God.”
    And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
    Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
    But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
    To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
    To know the pain of too much tenderness.
    To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
    And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
    To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
    To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;
    To return home at eventide with gratitude;
    And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips."

i dunno, i don't quite like it (except for some lines here and there)… maybe it’s because i don’t really understand what it means… hhmmm…..

August 9, 2006 – 11:29 am

my unusually long hair finally a got the cut it deserves…

not that i haven’t cut my hair in years, it’s just that whenever i get a haircut, i always tell the stylist to just trim off an inch, just to get the nasty split-ends…

but yesterday, i finally decided to trim it off quite a bit… my hair used to be way past my waist, but now it’s just a little below my shoulders…

i actually like it because it’s kind of liberating not minding a very long hair… besides, i looked like an old hag with a very long hair because it just kind of hangs in there, lifeless and dull… my “bangs” are gone though, i got my hair relaxed and i told the stylist to trim my bangs but “she” said it’ll frizzle and curl up because of the relaxer… so now i’m “bangs-less” – wehehehe… i dunno if “bangs-less” really means something, but anywho… i’m still determined to get bangs so, i think after a month or so, i’d go back to the saloon to have my hair trimmed and get bangs… i kind of like the bangs because it made me look younger… wahaha… i can’t really face the fact that i’m “old”…

did i mention that my uncle died? i think not… he’s the husband of my auntie zenaida… i think he died of a tumor in his eyes… i didn’t really ask for the details because i hate thinking about it… i guess it was kind of inevitable because for the past weeks, he had stopped eating, and he was being feed only by tubes and then i think for a couple of days, he was in a coma…

it’s really sad and tragic… the funeral’s on sunday and we were all supposed to go to negros… i wanted to go with my cousins because they plan to go via guimaras saturday morning (and have some “adventure” and sight-seeing) but our “boss” is supposed to arrive from the US on saturday, and well, while it’s not a problem for me to be absent any day i want, i can’t if the boss is arriving since that would mean missing the chance to meet him…

so the plan is that arian (my younger bro) and i would just leave on sunday morning, as soon as i get off from work…

office life is improving… i think that we had built some kind of camaderie around the office, they are already having activities outside the office, they’re playing badminton…. i really wanted to go with them last sunday… the problem was that i was on my office attire and haven’t any change of clothes…. another problem is that i’m not really very adept at playing badminton… wehehehe… i was kind of hesitant in subjecting myself to another embarrassment in front of the people i work with and see everyday…

my brother is telling me take up tennis lessons (even offered to pay for it)… hahaha… he’s kind of desperate coz he does not have a tennis “buddy”… i actually had a couple of lessons on tennis, but it was just like how to hit the ball properly and the techy stuff… i don’t know if i can make the ball go over the net as i still find the racket kind of heavy…. i’d actually like to really learn, so i guess i would just have to figure out how to fit the lessons in my “schedule”

i really miss sha… last week, sha called the house i think three times, but i was always asleep, so i didn’t have the chance to talk to her… thankully, when she called last sunday, we were all home… i only talked to her for an hour though, because tita was already calling her… i think i’d ask her to watch a movie next week… we’d been waiting for Click so i think we’d watch that… she’s having personal problems at the office though… she was kind of in the same “dilemma” as me last time… but she’s an even worse situation… she even said she’s thinking of resigning… i just hope she’d work out the problem… we haven’t really talked about it though…

leopold (the rottweiler) is now called pod-pod… hahaha… i was kind of wondering why when i call him leo or pol he would not come to me… i thought at first he still doesn’t know his name but then later i found out that my cousins call him pod-pod…. wehehehe… he’s getting really big now… we’re training him to get used to a leash so that we can tie him up… he nows knows how to “sit” whenever you tell him, but he expects a food reward, you have to pretend that you have something in your hands, and then he would sit, with his tail wagging and then he looks at you expectantly for food… i was planning to take him “walking” with me at the plaza but last time out, when my brother brought him outside the gate, people were like the “red sea”… they just kind of scooted in the corner of the road wherever pod2 goes… i guess they’re kind of afraid of him, considering that he’s kind of big (but he’s just a puppy), and black and very serious looking… i can only imagine if he grows up to be waist-high tall…

the funny thing is he’s kind of afraid of kim (the siamese cat)… pod2 always chases xiani (the other cat) and then xiani is really kind of afraid of him because whenever he sees him, his hair stands up and he runs away… but not kim… pod2 would kind of bark at kim and then kind of “paw” at her but kim just stares at him and then just stays sitted… and if pod2 attempts to paw at her, she scratches him… and pod2 would then run away… hehehe…

i think they will be “friends” as soon as they get used to each other…

lately, i have observed that kim loves to hang out at the lovebirds’ cage… i mean, she just stays there and looks at the birds and when one of then gets near the edges, she leaps up… i guess, she thinks that she can catch one of them, although technically she can’t because of the wires… she still tries though… to no avail…

August 8, 2006 –11:44 am

“what did you do at the office today?”

‘mostly nothing”, i answered

uh huh… but i am definitely not unproductive. i have already finished my 6-page report for today yesterday… so despite my 9-hour sleep, i was feeling sleepy so i was dozing off the whole night…

i actually recieved an e-mail from one of my “clients” yesterday… as soon as i saw her e-mail, i thought that she had something for me to do… it’s very, very rare that my clients even contact me, much less give me something to do, for almost three months now, i think it was only twice that they actually gave me work… i’m mostly left to my own devices to do something…

so back to the e-mail… i was actually quite excited (and a little bit anxious too) to read the e-mail because for one thing, i was hoping she’d give me something to do, and for another, i actually thought that she might some “feedback” on what i have been doing…

so i mustered up the courage to read the e-mail…

“augel, I’m curious, don’t you take the weekends off and relax?” wrote joan.

wehehehe… i was pretty amused by it… i think that joan is just a good person… she’s always (two or three times) the one who e-mails me, and says “good work” or that she appreciates the work i’m doing for them…

really now… although i shouldn’t really make a big deal out of them, i actually appreciate that she e-mails me, every once in a while… at least i know that she reads my reports… even though i pretty much figure out that it’s not really that “import
ant” i still can “imagine” that i do important work…

hahaha

August 2, 2006 – 11:50 am

i wasn’t feeling too well yesterday…

the moment i woke up, i felt like the whole world was spinning, i barely stopped myself from vomitting. i guess it was from complications with my eyes because i felt the same way when i was having problems with my eyes way back in high school.

i had already scheduled my whole day. i was supposed to tidy up my room and then go out of the house and shop around, but i ended up lying on bed the whole morning. i then forced myself to get up after lunch to finish up some chores at home coz i’m usually the only one left at home every afternoon. i just then laid (lied?) in the couch and watched tv… when i couldn’t take the ‘dizziness” anymore… i went back to bed and closed my eyes… i didn’t sleep though… i was just there, with my eyes closed and trying to feel better…

i was deciding whether i’d go to work or not, but i decided that it’s the last day of the month and it wouldn’t be good if i end the month being absent… so i dragged my big butt to work…

i felt a little bit better at work though, at least i was being occupied with something else… even though i didn’t do much… time seemed a little bit fast yesterday and before i knew it was already 2 am. i wanted to buy food from jollibee earlier (i didn’t eat dinner and i was kind of hungry) but it was raining very hard, and i couldn’t go out of the building… during the break though, my officemates decided to go out and eat at ted’s, so i went with them. breachelle and i just shared a bowl of batchoy…

let me see… i think there were 10 of us, we just spent most of the time talking. i actually felt quite better (coz i’ve forgotten i was not feeling too well)

i felt like today didn’t really go by. when i arrived home, i just ate breakfast, watched tv and slept… i actually slept from 11 am to 8pm nonstop… i was really out of it… when i woke up, i was kind of confused because i thought it was already morning and i missed going to work… hahaha

it took quite a while to figure out what time is it… i’m still feeling a little bit dizzy but a lot lot better than what i felt yesterday… i’m actually quite sleepy…. nyeeahh… to think that i slept the whole day!

i’m stopping myself from drinking coffee….

August 1, 2006 – 11:51 am

i just had finished “talking” to clarice through ym… it’s really funny how time passes by so quickly when you are having fun and not minding the time… i’ve even done quite a lot of work to… even though i’ve been ym’ing the whole time… ahaahaha.. and now, i’m writing in my blog… uh huh… what a slacker… i really should be fired…. (guilty!)

we were just talking about everything and nothing at all… our friends, my plans, her plans, job hunting and then, she told me about what’s happening to nelly… the love of her life is now back again in her life…

i had a hard time, trying to stop myself from laughing out loud when she told me this… i just tried to smile (my co-workers must think and wonder why i had this goofy looking smile)… honestly though, i have mixed feelings about this new development, for one thing, i’m really happy for her and for another, i’m also quite worried and kind of holding back… nelly and i can really relate to each other because of the times that we would really talk our hearts out to each other… she would be the only person i’d tell about heart matters and i think that our bond and undertstanding for each other really grew strong because of the times we’ve spent crying together…

uhum… i do not really want to dwell in the past because that would only open up my barely-healed-still-hurting wounds… but for her, uhum being back in her life (he texted her and said that he missed her and even said i love you!… imagine that) would, i think really make her happy… she says that she would not fall into the trap anymore but i think that knowing her, she would never win against her heart… she would really have a hard time fighting her emotions… which brings us to uhum’s side… why did it take that long for him to realize nelly’s worth? i guess you could say that he had the nerve to come crawling back to nelly… how dare he, after all the hurt he’s given her… i guess, uhum is kind of self-assured because he knows what nelly feels about him, and maybe, he’s kind of taking advantage of that fact…

but i really think that it would be good for the two of them… second chances are really blessings and i think that we should not let them slip away… if you ask me… my philosophy towards this whole thingy is that “its better to love and be hurt, than not to experience love at all”…

of course, one should never take my word or advices seriously, especially if it’s about love… i for one, do not have any experience in the matter and therefore, my opinion and views would only be based on my “imagined” knowledge…

oh well….

 May 27, 2006 – 3:02 am

Another unexpected development and it got me thinking and wondering for awhile (thinking again!) i've actually been considering coming back to manila lately, because i'm starting to get bored here' but i told myself, to be patient and just let things go it's own course and not push anything i've really decided to let master fate have its own way' so i'm not doing anything and ive decided to be patient and wait

but lady fate has got it going again, teasing me and making fun of me

i feel like i'm a very hungry fish and then suddenly, i see a very fat worm wiggling off a hook it's very tasty and i’m very hungry… and i’m faced with a decision, should i eat the worm and risk being caught or should i just go away and find some lousy plankton to eat?

uhmm… i’ve always been an adventurous person and i like being challenged, but at most times, my love for adventure and my being impulsive and fatalistic gets the better of me and i end up in very compromising situations…

i’ve always said that my going to cavite was a decision i made very impulsively, it was a decision i made based on very wrong reasons… i had an underlying agenda there, and as such i sufferred the consequences… it took an anxiety attack and a very bad case of asthma attack to make me realize that i made the wrong decision, so i went home… but then again that was in the past and i’m learning not to dwell on the past… so let’s forget about that for awhile…

uhhm, back to the present, so the oathtaking for new new ECE’s would be on May 2 (that’s a tuesday)… and francis (amistoso) was asking me what the dress code is… and then he asks me, if i already have a job and when i said no, he asked me if i wanted to go with him to manila to look for a job there… at first i thought he meant, if i’d go to manila but then he asked me if i’d go with him on friday… friday?! i knew i’d say no, but it made me think and consider it anyway…

but then my reason got the better of me, i really don’t want to make the same mistake again, going there without giving it much thought and more importantly, going there for the wrong reasons would only make matters worst, besides, if i’d go with him, where am i supposed to stay? i couldn’t very well go with him in his tita’s house…  he says he’d look for an apartment but when i asked him if his other classmates would go with him, he says they’re all going to look for work in cebu…

i don’t think that i could go away again and have another adventure, besides, i dont feel really comfortable of arrangements if ever i’d go…

so, i decided that i have to be patient and just let things go its own natural way…